WHEN NATURE CALLS

Can’t trust a fart? Fear not, we’re here to give you the scoop on how to poop in the bush!

They say there are many ways to skin a cat. Well, it turns out there are plenty of techniques to ‘back one out’ in the bush too! Yep, the art of evicting a few chocolate brownies in the Aussie scrub is one worth learning if you like to get off the beaten track, so we thought we’d share a few of the top techniques and proven manoeuvres to get the job done. Some are fail-proof, while others are a little whacky. But if you like a poo with a view and wouldn’t mind learning how to back one out in the back country, then whack your feet up, get ready for a chuckle and read on!

WORDS BY BORGY

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1. The Counter-Weight Cuddler
Commonly associated with the average Prado owner, this one’s for those who don’t mind taking a slight risk to prove a point! You know, like the “my Prado can go anywhere your LandCruiser will and use less fuel too!” kind of guy. Kick this one off by selecting a good sturdy tree that’s thick enough to wrap your arms around. Now give it a bear hug while poking your backside outwards before slowly bending down into a squatting position, while still hanging from the tree – then fire those butt dumplings until the cows come home! Top tip: make sure the tree is strong enough to handle your full body weight – snapping the trunk and landing butt first in your own dingle berries may result in an awkward drive home!

2. The Squatting Frog
If you rock an old 40 Series LandCruiser or G60 Patrol and still carry one of those old Thomas street directories, this is all you! The proven ‘squat’ position is a golden oldie perfect for launching the type of rectal rocket that’ll bring a tear to your eye! Keep your butt away from the backs of your feet, and put your hands on your knees for support. If you start to lose your balance, don’t be afraid to adjust into the ‘tripod’ position by placing a hand behind you to, umm, re-stabilise? In fact, the ‘tripod’ puts your bum further south of those north-facing feet, so you can avoid a bit of friendly fire too!

3. The Lean On Me
Often referred to as the ‘bull bar bomber’ and commonly exercised by the cockiest of beat-up GQ Patrol owners. The idea is to get into a seated position and push back against a bull bar or tree to support yourself. Naturally, this one is only recommended for those who are primed and ready to offload their freight immediately, as any delays will send your quad muscles into meltdown. The good news is there’s plenty of ground clearance available with this method for larger loads!

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Willowglen TLCC Club land
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4. The Team Player
Naturally, the team player drives a Mahindra, achieved top scores at scouts and dresses like a dorky dad. The team player likes to attack this crappy task in pairs, opting to face their partner while holding hands as they squat down using each other as a counterweight. Yep, potentially the greatest trust exercise known to man! While we’ve never heard of this actually being executed successfully, rumour has it the Australian Greens Party has been relying on this rather intimate method for years.

5. The Cliffhanger
Best suited to the big fella who couldn’t squat to save his life and typically drives a large pick-up truck, like a Dodge Ram or Ford F-Truck. These guys are known to search high and low for the ultimate bush throne, which in this case is a solid log or stump about knee-high to hang their whopping big backside over before dropping their sewer serpents from hell overboard.   

6. The Clenched Gecko
Commonly associated with bearded hipsters, bonefied city slickers and the majority of Jeep owners. The ‘clenched gecko’ is the art of compressing your butt cheeks so tight it arches your back and has you tip-toeing around camp like a gecko scrambling against a vertical wall! As a rule of thumb, these folk will wait up to three days for a public toilet despite punching cotton for the final 24 hours and oozing a distinctive look of desperation and defeat. Expect an extremely shoddy aim thanks to a major backlog of the bad stuff.  

7. The Burley Blaster
Frequently utilised by the typical Troopy-driving surfy dude, the ‘burley blaster’ is the art of completely submerging yourself in an aquatic wonderland to dispose of your ‘sea pickles’. A tell-tale sign you’re in the presence of the illusive burley blaster is their pants are often seen lying at the high-tide mark as they dispose of the old waterlogged torpedoes. Oh, and if you notice a school of bait fish feeding on the surface suspiciously close by, get the heck out of the water – it could be a floater!

8. The Phantom Pooper
This one belongs to the sly guy around camp. The bloke who likes to fly under the radar, rocking an inconspicuous 4X4 so as not to draw too much attention to himself; think a Mitsubishi Challenger or Toyota 4Runner. They get their kicks by dropping nuggets waaaay too close to camp, usually up-wind, and watching fellow campers argue over who’s guilty. Rumour has it this lot can paint Picasso-style portraits with nothing but their poop shoot and a few beers!    

ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING
When it’s all said and done, going for that ‘long walk’ in the bush can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Get it right and you can enjoy a poo with a view, which can actually be quite satisfying. Get it wrong and, well, I hope you brought some spare dacks!